The 6 Pillars of Manliness
The more we look around, the more we see something occurring that should concern us greatly. Real men are disappearing in massive droves. Forced right off the cliff. Why is this happening? The answer is so simple you’re going to punch yourself in the face when we tell you.
Ready?
What are we talking about, you say? We are talking about how to become a man…
Let’s take a straw poll – go to your nearest coffee shop. Look for a guy in a faux flannel shirt. Does he have a bushy beard? Check. Spray-on jeans? Check. Hipster messenger bag? Check. Ironic Dark-framed glasses? Check. Drinking a full-skim no-foam mint choc chip frappuchino? Check. Let’s just come right out with it – he’s not a real man – he’s a pale imitation, a facsimile from a Style magazine.
Here’s the deal. We’ve come up with the six pillars of manliness. Study these pillars and you’ll — hopefully — rediscover what manliness is all about. If you’re secured in your manliness, well, go grab a side of bacon and read it anyway.
Pillar #1 — Fishing
In the words of Ron Swanson “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, but I still get to kill something.”
Nothing says “manliness” like standing knee deep in frigid water and sinking a hook in the gullet of a trout. Before you cast, make sure you’re hooked up with an in-line spinner on an eight pound test line for the best results. Eat your catch raw for extra points.
Pillar #2 — Hunting
Doesn’t matter where you go or what you hunt for. The important things to take away are how to get there, and that, obviously, you kill something you’re going to eat. (We’ll get to that in Pillar #6). For getting there, you have two choices. Hoof it and become acquainted with your killing field. Choice number two … get there on an ATV equipped with ATV tires made for mud. We once saw a guy drive over broken beer bottles with tires like that – those things aren’t popping. They’re made for getting you to your spot. Bonus man points for using a bow to take down Bambi or Gentle Ben.
Pillar #3 — Loud Music
Go ahead and crank it up. Doesn’t matter what type you’re listening to. It’s your music. Well, let us clarify that. It doesn’t matter what you’re listening to as long as it doesn’t end in the words pop, or Bieber. Don’t do that …
Pillar #4 — Beards
Wear one and tell us you don’t feel 10 feet tall and impervious to a mace. Important tip – make sure it doesn’t go full shag. A full beard is fine, but keep it nice and tight. There are plenty of trimmers and groomers out there. Check out the waterproof models. Yes. Being a man means getting things wet. (See Pillar #1).
Pillar #5 — Gnarly Vehicles
As mentioned in Pillar #2, ATVs equipped with mud tires make an excellent utilitarian vehicle. Another good choice would be the new Range Rover Sport. The powerful engine provides the right amount of speed combined with a body that can take the dirt and grime – and it has room for your other manly friends. Point of order – just make sure you don’t call them “Bros”. Yes, the Range Rover Sport could be considered the Kate Upton of vehicles. Solid front, nice hitch, and it just feels right.
Pillar #6 — Meat
It’s simple, really. Cows or pigs are your preferred providers. Apply meat to flame. Eat. Good marks for eating it off of a stick. Better yet if it’s off the bone and you killed it yourself.
